[This was written as an entry to my journal - raw, not very editted, no MLA style or grammar checking, unprocessed and unrefined - in other words - real]

Today we closed our time together at SJTI and I am on the plane with Daniel heading home. He does not really know what I am doing. After such an intense and awakening time, I am blessed to have another alum with me as I begin the painful process of re-entry. Today I really felt the true impact of everyone’s contribution to my own growth and awakening. Who I am is forever changed, forever widened, deepened and heightened. Everyone’s soul is now a part of my soul – forever melded and intertwined. For that I am truly thankful. As I want to keep all of this fresh, I am putting finger tips to keyboard to forever remember what happend in Tucson and the incredible people who made the experience.

Helen’s laughter and tears have healed me and have given me pause. I felt so connected to her, for her honesty, for her freedom to express herself so passionately. She is such a gift! Renique’s experience as a Black woman and all of her struggles to become and be and to do so without judgment has forever impacted me. Her words often echoed my thoughts and validated many feelings that I often carried, but never acknowledged as being present. Chris’ emotion and sharing and growth process has given me permission to really feel and emote for the first time in a group setting. I love his spirit, courage and commitment. He embodies the word courage on every level of his being. I also love his term – Whitey Whitterton! Mosadi's fire and fear echo my own and I know she will have struggles, but know that she and I are not alone. I admire her passion and drive and I know she will continue to grow and do incredible work. Debra’s honesty is something I really admire – she tells it like it is and embraces me for who I am. I love her fire!!! What a great sistah indeed!! I need to know that I have that connection to my Black sisters and I am so grateful for Mosadi, Renique and Debra. I am thankful for Jessie’s amazing insights and warmth, for that deepness what is already so genuine and honest. Tricia’s final words to me, “Tell your dad I said hello” just made me feel so understood, loved, and connected on the most deepest level. All I will ever need to do in order to bring tears to my eyes is just think of that very moment. I am instantly anchored to that – forever! Lyn’s self-work and grieving gives me hope for the faculty members on my own campus. She opened her self up and really has shared herself on the most genuine level, which was most valuable for me to see, especially since she is older. Robert really made some strides and I can see him as a changed and positively impacted person – and I truly honor that. I’m glad to have him as an ally in the struggle. Jeff , while I did not really connect with him deeply, really has done work as well, has become incredibly honest and I know he’s committed and real. I admired him from afar and hope to be able to tell him that in person one day. Cathy, although reserved, has a true fire, and just love that! I thank her for the way she showed up and for being such a great host! Ann, wow, what amazing energy and passion – she is going to rock her campus’ world!!! She’s got some real fire along with true articulation for the cause.

Becky – wow, what emotion, what realness. I know she connected with herself on a real deep level. What an incredible smile that alone adds peace to the room. Andi – how sweet, how kind, how reflective and just embracing! There's something so well spoken within her eyes alone. Spending the last few hours with you in Tucson were very valuable to me. Joseph – he finally got it, although I challenged him big time, I know he finally got it, and I am thankful that I was able to be there. There's courage in allowing yourself to be so challegned and I admire Joseph for letting us do that. Karyn – a deep soul, a reflective soul, someone who has become comfortable with emoting during the process. I just love her for who she is and how she connects with others. Diana –I am thankful to her for doing the work in your role as an intern that added to our experience as participants. More important she was very much a part of the experience and I honor her contribution to my growth. The words she’s shared with me and the awesome way she’s shown up at times, speaking such truth and insight. Hyon Chu – her story really touched me, really angered me for that she has lost through being forced to assimilate. I see her as a survivor for sure!

Daniel, my travel buddy as he sits next to me, wow – so much more than I thought! I am privileged to know him and honor the work he has done. Veronica – she just tells it like it is, makes no apology, proud of her heritage and culture, and very much a force of change in my eyes as she goes back to her campus. I am glad she and Andi have each other. Ray’s warmth and self-honesty took a lot of guts. He took major feedback from Kathy and I respect the way he has handled himself. Craig - I am thankful to him as well for the hard work he did in his role as an intern. Even more so, I thank him for somethin greater. He really showed up and gave so much of himself to the process too! I just love him for that and the self-growth I know he's done since first attending SJTI. Eddie – so full of passion, so awakened after this experience and such a better and whole person having participated. You are much more than just a grad student. Joe – for his self work and personal growth and for the work he will do on his campus. I applaud his ability to sit with conflict – something I know he will do just fine! Erin, her growth and journey is so well on it’s way. I saw a difference in her between Wednesday and today that makes me truly rejoice. Walter made me feel that all the stuff I’ve been caring around with me for so long is not unique to my experience and my way of being. He has no idea how much he has healed me as a result of his sharing and honesty. For the first time ever, I realized that I am not alone.

The facilitators have incredibly impacted me in ways I never thought possible! Kathy – for being who you are and for being simply honest and sharing yourself, for being just so real, so present, and so willing to put yourself out there! Wow, incredible!!! I learned so much from her and glad to have her as a White ally!!!

Vernon – Mr. ENTJ – I felt a connection to him and his challenge of just being and for the honesty and insight he brought forth! He put it out there - and I appeciate that! As Ward and Ernestine’s son, he really showed up in many incredible ways!!!

Jamie – I see so much of myself in him, but I see where I need to do my self work, and be honest with myself and where I need to go and how I need to be!! He is just so very warm, and just so very real! Healing did take place for me by simply being in his presence.

 

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